Umm, No Thanks. I'm Good. 8 Possible Reasons Why She Doesn't Want to Have Sex After Baby

This little blog post goes out to all the men in our lives in hopes of bringing some advice and clarity to the female mind post-baby


#1 She's a Zombie

This somewhat goes without saying. New moms are usually still on that newborn schedule right around when they get the "go ahead" from their care provider to start having sex. No matter how "into it" she seemed a half hour ago, that last nursing session before bed has wiped her out and she is asleep sitting up in bed. Something that can help her....drum roll please....MORE SLEEP! But how do you encourage your partner to "nap when baby naps?" Maybe offer to be on baby duty for an hour when you get home from work?  Or, you could hire a postpartum doula for the mother of your child and win partner of the entire year! Huzzah! Postpartum doulas can make all the difference when it comes to your family getting rest, feeling like you are human again, and just letting you really enjoy those first few months with your new baby. Check out our postpartum services HERE. Seriously, just go. Go ahead. Call us. I dare you. Just watch and see how happy you make her. 

#2 She's "All Touched Out"

YES. New moms can get tired of being touched all day. I know it seems crazy to think that someone could get fed up with having a little bundle of life attached to them ALL DAY, but it is possible. Not all moms experience this in the very beginning of motherhood. It seems to be more common when that little squishy ball of human turns into a nursetastic (nursing mixed with gymnastics, for those who aren't familiar) almost one year old and mom is getting a foot in the face and a twisted nipple during a nursing session. Besides starting lactation yourself, why not draw her a cozy bubble bath or send her to a coffee shop with a friend for a while. The littlest gestures mean the most to those worn out mommas. 

#3 She's Afraid of Painful Sex

Chances are your lady friend has a friend (or two) who've already been in this situation and have shared their horror story of when her and her significant other attempted the horizontal mambo post-baby. And now your lady is terrified. Well, I'm not gonna tell you how to calm her fears because, well, you know her better than us. But I will give two pieces of advice. Take it S-L-O-W and use some coconut oil. I know, so crunchy of me. But what do you expect on a blog written by a doula? Trust me, that stuff is magic and can make all the difference.

#4 She's Breastfeeding 

I know those things look great and wonderful and just seems like a bunch of fun. But it's not actually feeling as wonderful to her as they look on her. In the very beginning her body is trying to find the happy medium of how much milk to make for the baby. This can be a possible problem when you start to get down and dirty and she is aroused. Most likely she will leak. And in some cases, quite a bit. So maybe have her keep a bra on or nursing tank. Take the time to acknowledge her dedication to feeding the baby and keeping the romance alive for you two. Just let that lady know she rocks.

 Or she is dealing with the frustration of not being able to nurse and that has it's own problems and emotions. Not to mention the physical side effects of nursing. I'm sorry to say but things are not as lubricated as before. So again, two pieces of advice: take it slow and use lubrication. Also, don't be afraid to talk about whats happening and how you feel about it. Chances are she may feel a little self-conscious about her boobs and their leakiness or lack-there-of. If you're open to talking about it then she will feel more comfortable to talk too. And that can make everything so much better. 

#5 She Has Low Self-Esteem 

I know this can be a foreign idea to the boyfriends/husbands reading this because you never understood when your lady friend didn't like the way she looked before baby but trust me, this is the most dramatic change the female body can undergo. Hormones can take a big role in how she views herself in her postpartum shape so it can feel like a futile battle to try and cheer her up but stick with it. Do what you do best and point out the things that you love most about her and remind her that this isn't the finale shape her body will take. Depending on where on the postpartum timeline she is she may have more changes, "good" or "bad." More or less weight to shed and skin to bounce back. Her body won't ever be the same again. But then again, neither will your lives. 

#6 She's On Contraceptives

If she's gone back to her family planning practice of birth control or trying out a new prescription during nursing they may have a role to play in her lack of interest in intimacy. This is something she can talk to her care provider and possibly change which kind she takes. 

#7 She's Suffering From Depression

This can be a tricky situation and one that should be handled by a professional if you think there's even a slight possibility of depression. You know her and her usual demeanor. CONTACT US for a referral to a professional if you have any qualms. 

#8 She May Worry About How Things Will Feel to You

Let's be honest. Things, in the vagina area, will be different. End of story. And she has probably heard some stories from friends and their significant others' reactions. It's something that a lot of women worry about but don't always talk about it with their partner. And as awkward as it may feel to you to talk about this topic it's something that would go a long way with her. You both are probably thinking it; might as well get it out in the open. Remind her that her body did an amazing feat and that it's still "bouncing back" from performing this amazing sacrifice. Things may change, or they may not. The idea is to talk about the issues that you may both be worried about. Chances are things will be easier on you both when fears and feelings are shared with each other.

So there it is guys, gals, anyone. Basically, talk to her. It'll mean the world to her and it will help you both get to the bottom of what's going on and help get you back to the good lovin'.